Current mood: impatient
Category: Life
You can speak to your children of life but your words are not life itself. You can show them what you see but your showing and their seeing are forever different things. If you walk with them in the darkness of life's mysteries you will open the gate to understanding. They will learn to see in the darkness and not be afraid. ~William Martin The Parent's Tao te Ching
Dear Diary,
Yes, I have reached many new paradoxes in parenting this year with Little Fawn. Some good and some not so good. When you have a child with a lunatic you can be sure the other- 50% lunatic will show it's head eventually.
I went to the Flea Market. Haven't been in a while and stopped by the crystal shop and bought the Selenite candle holder and a base with colored lights to go with it that I wanted. Next week I want to go buy a beautiful large red quartz crystal wand from China if they still have it. It was amazing. Must have been five inches long and three inches around and clear with a small amount of red in the very middle.
The car is having trouble starting. Also when turning a sharp corner now I hear the chime that the door is open which it isn't so that might be what is wearing the battery down. If that is what it is. I checked the alternator, battery, starter, and still nothing is wrong with them so it must be some kind of short or mis-connection in the wiring. Which is very annoying.. No end to things going wrong this week.
It would have been a nice day for rain. But since it didn't I would have liked to have gone down to the camper and started cleaning on it a little bit.
Seems like things are getting crazy again after two years of normalcy.
I sure enjoyed those two years away from strife.
Mom's blood pressure went sky high the other day and I had to take her to the hospital to get it to go back down. Once there she started losing her breath and I am so worried about her. Most likely I am going to have to quit in order to care for her full time.
Things will be tight but at least I can watch her like she needs. At work I knew she was having some trouble in the afternoons but she never let me know how bad they were for her but inside I still knew. Losing my dad was so hard. Undoubtably the worst thing that I have ever had to go through. Even worse than my own health roller coaster.
Growing up it is the very last thing on your mind. Through adulthood you have so much fun living your life that you don't stop to worry if any moment with your parent could be the last. As I held mom's hand in the hospital she told me she was afraid that *this* was it for her and trying to reassure her that it is only a mild setback and together we got rid of the blood clot in her leg and we could beat this too if she had faith but inside I could tell that she is as worried as I am. I swear it is giving me chest pains and now I have to go get checked out.
Across the hall from her the elderly lady died and the little grandchild cried and cried, screamed and screamed. It makes me think and worry about how Little Fawn will handle it when the time comes for mom to pass on. Being the only caregiver in the family is exhausting for me to constantly have to go the extra mile for everyone else except myself.
And the doc said that he is very sorry but things are not going well and mom is not getting better as he had hoped. The doc is very good with her and she likes him so she is fairly co-operative when it comes to following his directives but she does have her own mind and at home she refuses to get any rest and just tries to do everything from working outside to doing the vacuuming and dishes when I'm not home.
Being up and aware is a lot different than trying to be up all day working on some stressful task. All in all I feel scared and helpless. Little Fawn's six year old growing pains are not helping me either right now. Testing her independence and pushing her limits with everything. Without backing down today she had a four hour tantrum.
So while off I started cleaning the walk in closet out and hanging up laundry and little things that needed done.
I finally went to the doc for the aches and pains that won't go away in my joints and he said that I have Fibromyalgia to add to my goodie bag of ailments. I have decided to pursue other options for my spinal disease because last time they put me standing at the door for three hours my right foot turned black. I didn't step on anything or hurt it in any way so it must have been from not being able to move around being too hard on my circulation. The doc did some blood tests and they should have the results in a few days as to whether I may or may not have diabetes.
Although I have been so happy here, I have lost pets that have been very dear to me. Too many beautiful memories with each of them. Lead dog seems to worsen every day and lately I feel like succumbing to bouts of depression and angst. Really I have to just throw my hands up in the air and walk into the woods and get back to nature.
The spotted fawn came to eat from the deer feeder last night. Beautiful red coat of a baby with large bright white spots on it's hind quarters. Beautiful little angel. It reminds me that it is almost hunting season again.
Planted some carrots and potatoes in a small container garden. That was the sum of my gardening enthusiasm this year. However the rosemary I bought last spring is growing into a nice little shrub.
You are loved.
All is well.
Currently listening :
Triangle's
By Gardner Cole
Release date: 1989-01-09
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